Birthdays and Quarantine

Well I didn’t delete my page on addiction. I have several people who follow it who asked me not to do so, so I left it up. It’s more geared toward grandparents who are raising grandkids due to their child’s addiction. So it’s still there… “My Grand Life” on Facebook.

Today is my daughter’s birthday. She is 38. I don’t even know how I feel about it. I don’t know where she is right now but I see that she posts on Facebook occasionally so I know that she is alive. Right now that has to be enough. I sent her a text wishing her a happy birthday, and I’m a little afraid of how she will respond. You never know with her.

As everyone knows we are in the midst of a pandemic. I’ve found it to be challenging and the government is calling it the “new normal.” I don’t think the people in this country will sit still for this new normal, but that remains to be seen. Right now we are supposed to stay at home and there are a lot of people who have lost their jobs because of it. My sister had to go on unemployment because her clothing shop is consider “non-essential.” The stores are having difficulty keeping shelves stocked and things like cleaning supplies, paper towels, and toilet paper are particularly hard to come by.

The schools are closed and so my boys are at home. They spend their days in pajamas either playing video games, watching television, or doing school work online. They are good kids. I am blessed.

Working from home is challenging. I don’t have an office so I’m set up in the living room. My dogs don’t understand why I’m home… they want to play, so I’m having to let them out more often. I have my work phone set up on my computer which is pretty cool, and all of our meetings are conducted via Microsoft Teams. I used to think that working from home would be awesome, but I miss my quiet (and sometimes hectic) office.

I’m not getting a lot of exercise these days (I miss walking around campus) since we can’t really go out. I probably should buy a harness for my dog and walk him… probably. I did start a new hobby though. I bought a ukulele and I’ve been learning to play it. I figured that it is small enough for me to take to work this summer and practice during downtime (there is a lot of downtime in the summer). I’ve been playing for three weeks and I can definitely see an improvement. Sometimes I get discouraged about my progress, and my sore fingertips, but then I tell myself that it’s only been three weeks and it will get better. Sometimes I think that it’s stupid to try to learn to play an instrument at my age, but I really love it… I do.

So we are working through this trying time and staying safe. So far we are all healthy, have food on the table and toilet paper… lol. We are blessed.

Done is Done

I don't think anyone can understand the hardship of having a child who is an addict. It is a type of hell that I wouldn't wish on anyone. I've tried fighting against drug addiction with posts to Facebook and my page "My Grand Life", but I'm done.

My daughter recently got out of jail. While she was in jail I went to the RV where she had lived before she was incarcerated. She moved there because I had evicted her from my rental home that she and her friends had systematically destroyed. When I say destroyed, I mean pretty much everything had to be replaced from the roof to plumbing to the heating system. All of the windows had to be replaced as well. The floors had to be refinished and the doors replaced. Massive amounts of "stuff" had to be thrown away due to mold and water damage. It was horrendous, and I sold the property at a $7000 loss.

Regardless, I went to her RV to collect what I could. I got garbage bags of clothing, and shoes. Most of her things had been stolen by her "friends," but I dug through stink bugs and crap to find what I could. I brought home the clothes, washed and folded them, and put them in a tote for her.

Then I called her storage unit, explained how she was in jail and I wanted to see if I could get some of her things. He agreed and my son and I went there with both of our vehicles. There was a lot of junk inside. I had to climb over boxes of paper goods that she had taken from dumpsters (not sure why she decided to keep that stuff). Everything was stacked haphazardly, but we persevered. I didn't have the means to take furniture or appliances (she took the washer and dryer from the rental) nor did I have anywhere to store it. I took my dolls that she had taken, and some stuffed animals that I knew that she loved. Some things that were made for her by friends... mostly things that I knew couldn't be replaced including my grandson's father's surfboard. I took it all home and stuffed it into the spare bedroom.

Back to the present when she was released: She wanted to come here, but I couldn't let her because of the courts. She only has supervised visitation with my grandsons and I have to leave everyday to work. So she went to live with her bio father until the first night when she left with her old friends. I had gone by his house to give her some of her clothes and a nice phone (it needed a sim card but it was nice). She got a sim card and called me a week later asking for the rest of her clothes. I told her that I would leave them on the porch and if she knocked on the door she could see her kids (through the door since we were then at the start of this pandemic). She chose not to see them... but she took the clothes.

I didn't hear anything else from her even though I had sent her photos of the boys that live with me. When she didn't respond to the photos which worried me so I called her. She yelled at me and stated that she had lost everything she owned because of me and didn't want me in her life. She screamed at me to leave her alone and hung up the phone.

I told one of my girlfriends what she said and was advised to "give her what she wants." After a small meltdown I decided to do just that. 

So I'm done. I'm taking down my Facebook page that talks about addiction. I can't help from where I sit. I'm too bitter and sad and hurt and disappointed. She wants me out of her life... and so I am.

God Has a Plan

It’s been a hard week.

Last Wednesday I received a message from my ex-husband’s mother who I still communicate with regularly. She told me that she had gone into hospice on Tuesday night. She asked me to pass along the word and to pray for her. I asked her on Friday night if there was anything that I could do for her and she replied “Prayers.” The next morning I received word from her family that she had passed away. It hit me hard.

It may be hard to understand, but it is difficult to mourn for someone who was part of your family for over ten years when you can’t do so with the family. She was a wonderful mother-in-law and an awesome grandmother to my kids and grandkids. I will miss her.

I came to work on Monday so very tired and sad. I ended up going home, having a good cry, and a good afternoon nap. Sometimes you just have to let yourself take a break.

So I felt a bit better, then yesterday I found out that the people who adopted my youngest grandson are selling their home. I contacted the mom and asked if they were moving. She said yes, and seemed upset because I knew. She wanted to know how I "found out" because she didn't want me to know. I don’t understand why she would want to keep that from me, but then I don't understand why she has done a lot of the things she has done.

Then when I got home I received a letter from my daughter in the mail. The only thing in the envelope were the little valentines that I had sent her from her children, who wanted to send her something for Valentine's Day. I don't understand why she returned them, but then I don't understand why she has done a lot of the things she had done either. 

I guess there are many things that I'm not meant to understand. I don't know why I ever try. One thing I understand for sure is that God has a plan, and I’ll just have to trust that everything will work out for the best, and I do... but seriously, it’s just been a hard week.

Change Hurts

I react badly to change.

After my mother died I was not allowed to see my disabled daughter and I became desperate to see her. I tried everything. I found out where she lived. I called her caregiver. I hired a bad attorney and took my sister who is her guardian to court. I cried and I pleaded to no avail for months. Then I gave up. I know that her caregiver doesn’t want me to see her because she is afraid that I will somehow be able to take her. I know that she lied to my sister. I also know that there is nothing I can do about it… not now. I also know that God has a plan for me and my daughter.

After my husband left I was desperate for a relationship. I tried everything. flirted… a lot. I went out with men I wouldn’t normally date. I indulged in some night time wine driven texts. It was ridiculous. As time went on I got used to being alone. I started turning down dates and being really careful about who I spent my time with. I’ve now gone to the other end of the spectrum. I see red flags… they’re everywhere… men don't stand a chance… lol. Yeah, I’m good now. I know that God has a plan for me.

When my grandson’s foster mother stopped letting me see him I was desperate to do so. I tried everything. I begged. I pleaded. I was angry. I was sad. I said and posted things to try and get her attention… anything so that she would change her mind. I did this for months… to no avail. Then I gave up. I will always miss him, but I realized something. She was good with him before, so she will be good with him now, and she will be good with him in the future. She loves him. He’s loved. I know that God has a plan for my grandson.

I react badly to change. This I know. It takes a while for me to adapt to losing people and it can be difficult to watch. I’ve had a lot of loss in my life… a life filled with loss, and I know that as I get older there will be much more. I really need to find a way to let go when they’re gone.

Trust is Overrated

As I look back on my life I realize that most of the really bad things that have happened to me are the result of trusting someone. I’m not saying that I was a victim. It was ultimately my decision to trust those people, but I learned a few things:

• If a man hits you, he will always promise to never do it again, but he will.
• If you feel like a relationship is too good to be true, then it is.
• Never put your name on a loan that you can’t afford to pay on your own.
• Never lend something to someone and expect to get it back. This includes money.
• If someone promises not to do something, expect that they will change their mind one day. Promises aren’t contracts.
• If a person is an addict they will lie to you, talk bad about you, and steal your things… no matter how much they love you.
• Never trust someone around your children unless you know all there is to know about them, and even then take baby steps. Trust your gut feelings. Damage to innocence is forever.
• If you feel like something isn’t right about someone… it probably isn’t.
• If someone is trying to talk you into doing something and you get a bad feeling about it, don’t do it. Seriously, don’t!

People will promise you the moon to get what they want, but once they get it, you are no longer a priority. You were just a means to an end. You were used.

Broken trust is especially hard when you cared for the person you trusted. They are gone, you are left with a mess or heartache and you feel betrayed. You wonder how people can care for you one minute and then just walk away knowing that they are leaving you broken.

I don’t know. I only know that trust is overrated.

I'm the Bad Guy in Someone’s Story

I was reading someone’s blog and they wrote about being humbled by someone’s kindness. I realized that this person may have a different view about me. I can be direct, and in some ways unkind, especially when I believe that I’ve been treated unfairly. I own that. I’m accountable for that. It is who I am. I over analyze the situation. I expect the worst and my anxiety goes through the roof. Then I say the wrong things. I push the wrong buttons. I fail.

I believe that we are all the “Bad Guy” in someone’s story. I just happen to be the star in a few.

How do you deal with being a villain? You try your best to forgive yourself, learn from your mistake, and move on.

Nothing can change the past… yet… lol. You can’t force someone to forgive you. This I know for sure. I’ve been hurt by people that I trusted and it changes you. It makes you view situations through different eyes. It changes your ability to trust. I know.

I don’t blame anyone for my mistakes and failures. I made them. They are part of my story. They are part of who I am along with my successes. They are mine.

The fact that I admit that I have made these mistakes does not absolve others of theirs. I understand that I deserve apologies that I will never receive. I need to make peace with that. I strive daily to forgive others who have hurt me, but it’s difficult. By God’s grace I will one day.

We are all the bad guy in someone’s story, and we all have bad guys in ours. We'll just have to be okay with that.

It's Not My Job

I’ve been praying about the situation with my youngest grandson, and I had a revelation on the way home yesterday.

I’ve been trying to protect him and keep him safe. I’ve been trying to preserve his relationships with his family so that he won’t feel the pangs of yet another loss in his young life. I’ve been desperate to fix the situation for him, his brothers, and for myself. BUT… it’s not my job.

I am the grandparent, not the parent. As much as I want to fix this it’s not my job to do so.

When you take on the role of “parent” for a child you are also taking on the role of protector. You are supposed to put your feelings aside and do what is right for the child no matter the cost to your pride or your needs. It is a role that I have assumed with the grandchildren that I co-parent with my son. When they want seconds at dinner they get it, even if it means that I have to fix myself something else… because their needs come first.

So I am not responsible for my grandson losing his family. I am also not responsible for any consequences of that loss. Children who are adopted often experience loss and grief. It is the parent’s job to help them cope.

“Parents through adoption, can get caught in a trap of only seeing things from their perspective. The journey to the kids may have been wrought with trials, infertility, a healthy dose of patience and confusion; yet, the experience is a supporting actor in the story. The kids’ experience(s) needs to take the lead role” (Bailey, 2019).

As I relinquish this responsibility in my heart I pray that God will keep my grandson safe and that somehow he will know that he is loved from the other side of town too.

Bailey, C. (2019, September 13). How Can I Help My Adopted Child Cope with Loss and Trauma? Retrieved from AdoptHelp: https://adoption.com/how-can-i-help-my-adopted-child-cope-with-loss-and-trauma