Life After Death

Is there life after death of a marriage? Absolutely... but first one must rise from the ashes. It's the residue of memories that reeks havoc on the emotions of the one that was betrayed. And so it is.

When I decided my husband had to leave it was because he couldn't stay sober and I couldn't watch him die. Nor could I continue to contend with all of the responsibility surrounding having a spouse whose only motivation to get out of bed was the beer that he had hidden under our house. At that point in time all I had was what I was dealing with... the lies, the kids, the dinners, the messes, the loneliness... it filled my mind, my every thought. I was just so tired and spent.

After he left he stayed sober for a while... at least I believe that he did. He went through various relationships and after each one he would call me, and we would catch up on each other's lives. After the last one he promised me that he would never stop talking to me... that we would always be friends, and so on Thanksgiving I called him. We laughed and talked and each said "I love you" as we said goodbye.

Then he met someone new. I guess it's to be expected. I don't think she's very attractive and that bothers me. I mean if he finds her attractive, and he found me attractive... well, maybe I'm not attractive either... but I digress. So he met someone new and I found out that he was posting love songs to social media for her the same way that he did for me... which got me wondering. Was he also sending her love letters? Calling her his princess? Hiding post-it notes all over the house for her to find? Did he snuggle with her under the covers and tell her about plans for their future... places they'll go... things that he wanted her to see? Did he dance around the house acting silly? I wondered because those were the memories that made me miss him. That was the part of him that I loved... the part he wanted me to see, but that was not who he really was.

I recently found out that he married her. So now I wonder... is he hiding vodka all over their property (in the rafters, under pallets, in the shed)? Is he keeping a six pack of beer in the refrigerator claiming to have just one at night, and hiding an entire case under the house downing one each time he goes outside to smoke? Is he laying in bed for days at a time and telling her that he's sick or has a toothache? Is he driving to the store drunk to get more alcohol? Is he chewing gum to hide the smell of alcohol on his breath? Is he staying up until after she goes to sleep so he can drink more? Has he stopped eating dinner with her, or taking her places, or holding her hand? Has he shown her who he really is yet? This is the man he hid from me until after we got married.

These are the thoughts that haunt me... that broke me. These are the ashes that I must rise from... and I am.

Living with an Alcoholic

I once married a man who I thought was my best friend. He turned out to be one of my worst enemies. He was an alcoholic who drank his weight in beer and vodka, and after several years and various trips to the emergency room, I called "no joy." He packed his things and left.

Living with an alcoholic wasn't close to easy. Not having help around the house or with the kids was bad enough, but he would skip work and it wasn't long before he lost his job. But I digress, and it's always best to start at the beginning. I'll make this short and sweet.

We met at work, and at the time we were both married... to other people. He befriended me, and actually became my best friend. We started messaging back and forth during the day, and talking more. Then one day there was an earthquake (very slight) and he came in the building to get me (he came back for me). That moved me... he then began sending me long letters about me being his princess, and love songs. Now I know that this process has a name. It's called "love bombing."

Love bombing is an all-encompassing, exhaustive campaign of flattery that "bombs" the target with non-stop positive reinforcement. Typically, the love-bomber showers his or her mark with compliments, praise and appreciation, declarations of undying love early on, promises of a future together, frequent contact by calls, texts and emails, gift-giving, great sex, and a lot of time spent with each other. It's extreme and over-the-top. - Adelyn Birch (2016)

Our relationship moved very quickly (that's your first clue). He had rented us an apartment within several months, we left our respective spouses and were living together. The first year was pretty wonderful... but then it was downhill from there... down, down, down, into the depths of his narcissistic it's all-about-me world.

After the love bombing came the "devaluing" stage. Nothing I did was right. He would tell me things and then deny that he said it. He belittled me and punished me with silence when I tried to defend myself.

This may happen via putdowns, gaslighting, intermittently lacking emotional or physical intimacy, withdrawing affection, seductive withholding, inexplicably disappearing from contact, or blaming the target for the narcissistic person’s issues (projection). - GoodTherapy.org

 It made me doubt myself, and I felt like I was walking on eggshells whenever I was home. I began to dread going home since I never knew what I was going to find. It became increasingly worse as he quickly moved to the discard stage.

Inevitably, the discarding occurs when the person with narcissism either disappears or orchestrates his or her own abandonment by engaging in some form of egregious emotional abuse. The outcome is often shocking for the survivor, unclear as to how someone that he or she fell so deeply in love with could throw it all away. - GoodTherapy.org

With him it was drinking himself into a stupor for the third time in seven months and putting a gun to his head with the children in the next room. I asked him to leave and he did. He asked me if he could take our camper so he would have a place to live. He promised to make the payments, and stay on friendly terms, but within months that changed.

After a series of failed relationships he found his next victim. Then he did a total 180. No more Mr. Nice Guy - he was done with me for good. He then posted lies about me on social media and stopped making payments on the camper. He left me with tremendous debt and heartache. 

Now what? How do you recover from something like that? How do you trust again? I'll let you know.