Birthdays and Quarantine

Well I didn’t delete my page on addiction. I have several people who follow it who asked me not to do so, so I left it up. It’s more geared toward grandparents who are raising grandkids due to their child’s addiction. So it’s still there… “My Grand Life” on Facebook.

Today is my daughter’s birthday. She is 38. I don’t even know how I feel about it. I don’t know where she is right now but I see that she posts on Facebook occasionally so I know that she is alive. Right now that has to be enough. I sent her a text wishing her a happy birthday, and I’m a little afraid of how she will respond. You never know with her.

As everyone knows we are in the midst of a pandemic. I’ve found it to be challenging and the government is calling it the “new normal.” I don’t think the people in this country will sit still for this new normal, but that remains to be seen. Right now we are supposed to stay at home and there are a lot of people who have lost their jobs because of it. My sister had to go on unemployment because her clothing shop is consider “non-essential.” The stores are having difficulty keeping shelves stocked and things like cleaning supplies, paper towels, and toilet paper are particularly hard to come by.

The schools are closed and so my boys are at home. They spend their days in pajamas either playing video games, watching television, or doing school work online. They are good kids. I am blessed.

Working from home is challenging. I don’t have an office so I’m set up in the living room. My dogs don’t understand why I’m home… they want to play, so I’m having to let them out more often. I have my work phone set up on my computer which is pretty cool, and all of our meetings are conducted via Microsoft Teams. I used to think that working from home would be awesome, but I miss my quiet (and sometimes hectic) office.

I’m not getting a lot of exercise these days (I miss walking around campus) since we can’t really go out. I probably should buy a harness for my dog and walk him… probably. I did start a new hobby though. I bought a ukulele and I’ve been learning to play it. I figured that it is small enough for me to take to work this summer and practice during downtime (there is a lot of downtime in the summer). I’ve been playing for three weeks and I can definitely see an improvement. Sometimes I get discouraged about my progress, and my sore fingertips, but then I tell myself that it’s only been three weeks and it will get better. Sometimes I think that it’s stupid to try to learn to play an instrument at my age, but I really love it… I do.

So we are working through this trying time and staying safe. So far we are all healthy, have food on the table and toilet paper… lol. We are blessed.

Done is Done

I don't think anyone can understand the hardship of having a child who is an addict. It is a type of hell that I wouldn't wish on anyone. I've tried fighting against drug addiction with posts to Facebook and my page "My Grand Life", but I'm done.

My daughter recently got out of jail. While she was in jail I went to the RV where she had lived before she was incarcerated. She moved there because I had evicted her from my rental home that she and her friends had systematically destroyed. When I say destroyed, I mean pretty much everything had to be replaced from the roof to plumbing to the heating system. All of the windows had to be replaced as well. The floors had to be refinished and the doors replaced. Massive amounts of "stuff" had to be thrown away due to mold and water damage. It was horrendous, and I sold the property at a $7000 loss.

Regardless, I went to her RV to collect what I could. I got garbage bags of clothing, and shoes. Most of her things had been stolen by her "friends," but I dug through stink bugs and crap to find what I could. I brought home the clothes, washed and folded them, and put them in a tote for her.

Then I called her storage unit, explained how she was in jail and I wanted to see if I could get some of her things. He agreed and my son and I went there with both of our vehicles. There was a lot of junk inside. I had to climb over boxes of paper goods that she had taken from dumpsters (not sure why she decided to keep that stuff). Everything was stacked haphazardly, but we persevered. I didn't have the means to take furniture or appliances (she took the washer and dryer from the rental) nor did I have anywhere to store it. I took my dolls that she had taken, and some stuffed animals that I knew that she loved. Some things that were made for her by friends... mostly things that I knew couldn't be replaced including my grandson's father's surfboard. I took it all home and stuffed it into the spare bedroom.

Back to the present when she was released: She wanted to come here, but I couldn't let her because of the courts. She only has supervised visitation with my grandsons and I have to leave everyday to work. So she went to live with her bio father until the first night when she left with her old friends. I had gone by his house to give her some of her clothes and a nice phone (it needed a sim card but it was nice). She got a sim card and called me a week later asking for the rest of her clothes. I told her that I would leave them on the porch and if she knocked on the door she could see her kids (through the door since we were then at the start of this pandemic). She chose not to see them... but she took the clothes.

I didn't hear anything else from her even though I had sent her photos of the boys that live with me. When she didn't respond to the photos which worried me so I called her. She yelled at me and stated that she had lost everything she owned because of me and didn't want me in her life. She screamed at me to leave her alone and hung up the phone.

I told one of my girlfriends what she said and was advised to "give her what she wants." After a small meltdown I decided to do just that. 

So I'm done. I'm taking down my Facebook page that talks about addiction. I can't help from where I sit. I'm too bitter and sad and hurt and disappointed. She wants me out of her life... and so I am.