It's Not My Job

I’ve been praying about the situation with my youngest grandson, and I had a revelation on the way home yesterday.

I’ve been trying to protect him and keep him safe. I’ve been trying to preserve his relationships with his family so that he won’t feel the pangs of yet another loss in his young life. I’ve been desperate to fix the situation for him, his brothers, and for myself. BUT… it’s not my job.

I am the grandparent, not the parent. As much as I want to fix this it’s not my job to do so.

When you take on the role of “parent” for a child you are also taking on the role of protector. You are supposed to put your feelings aside and do what is right for the child no matter the cost to your pride or your needs. It is a role that I have assumed with the grandchildren that I co-parent with my son. When they want seconds at dinner they get it, even if it means that I have to fix myself something else… because their needs come first.

So I am not responsible for my grandson losing his family. I am also not responsible for any consequences of that loss. Children who are adopted often experience loss and grief. It is the parent’s job to help them cope.

“Parents through adoption, can get caught in a trap of only seeing things from their perspective. The journey to the kids may have been wrought with trials, infertility, a healthy dose of patience and confusion; yet, the experience is a supporting actor in the story. The kids’ experience(s) needs to take the lead role” (Bailey, 2019).

As I relinquish this responsibility in my heart I pray that God will keep my grandson safe and that somehow he will know that he is loved from the other side of town too.

Bailey, C. (2019, September 13). How Can I Help My Adopted Child Cope with Loss and Trauma? Retrieved from AdoptHelp: https://adoption.com/how-can-i-help-my-adopted-child-cope-with-loss-and-trauma

Love Is...

I ran across a quote that reads “The way we treat people we disagree with the most is a report card on what we’ve learned about love.” Let’s think about that for a minute. What have we learned about love? The bible is very clear on what love is. According to 1 Corinthians 13:4-8:

⁴ Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵ It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶ Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷ It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

I looked up each work on Dictionary.com. Here is what I found:

To be patient and kind means we are “able to accept or tolerate delays, problems, or suffering without becoming annoyed or anxious,” and have “a good or benevolent nature or disposition, as a person”. This is what love is.

But the verse goes on to read what love does NOT do:

It does not produce “a feeling of discontent or covetousness with regard to another's advantages, success, or possessions”. It does not “speak with excessive pride or vanity.” It does not “have a high opinion of one’s own dignity, importance, or superiority.” It does not disgrace or shame others. It does not “seek its own interests or selfish ends”. It is not easily angered, and if you love someone you do not hold their past bad deeds against them. It does not like things that are harmful to others.

What does love do?

Love rejoices in the actual truth, and defends others from attacks and insults. It relies on the integrity of others, and feels “that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best”. “Love persists in anything undertaken, and maintains a purpose in spite of difficulty, obstacles, or discouragement”.

(Savage, n.d.) States that it’s commonly people may keep a record of another’s person’s wrongs because of pride. That they are seeking revenge and want the other person to be humiliated in some way. This can be true if what happened was not intentional.

I intended to use this quote as a reminder to others about how I have been treated, but in doing so I realized that the person who needed to read this was me. When I am hurt I lash out and act badly and I need to work on that. God wants us to love one another… so if I have hurt you please know that I am truly sorry, and that I am working on it. Much love to you all.

Savage, R. (n.d.). Love keeps no record of wrongs. Retrieved from ActiveChristianity: https://activechristianity.org/love-keeps-no-record-of-wrongs

Grieving The Child Who Did Not Die

I was reading an article of the same name about a foster mother who raised a child for two years and had to return him to his biological mother. She spoke of intangible loss. My story is the same but from the opposite end of the spectrum.

My grandson, Elias, was born on October 21, 2016. He had issues with his lungs, a pneumothorax. He spent his first days in the NICU and then he was airlifted to a city nearby where they were more prepared for his condition. At almost 10 pounds he was the largest baby in the NICU which delighted the nurses. His treatment went well and within a few days my daughter, who was staying in the Ronald McDonald house, was able to hold him. Soon after I was able to hold him too.

For his first year I visited him once or twice a week. My daughter was in recovery from substance abuse and I was sure that she was doing well. Then in January 2018 the bottom fell out. She was using again and Social Services removed my grandson from her home.

I was still able to visit him at the agency and I was assured that my daughter was getting the help that she needed, but then they moved my grandson to a different foster home and I decided that I needed to get custody.

I started and completed Kinship Care classes which lasted for six weeks. Then the agency conducted a home study. Looking back I truly believe that they had already made up their mind to fail me since the worker’s lies were overlooked and my complaints about her report fell on deaf ears. The foster mother at one point decided that she would no longer communicate with me or send me photos of my grandson, and the agency supported her on that decision. So I missed his birthday, Halloween, and Christmas.

Then on Christmas 2018 she sent me a bunch of photos, and started talking to me again… I’m not sure why but I was grateful. We began a tentative relationship which grew into friendship (or so I thought). I was getting photos of Elias regularly, and on four occasions she and I got together with all of the boys. I was still visiting him at the agency as often as I was allowed, and we had gotten to the point where we could take him off site.

In May of 2019 my daughter’s parental rights were terminated. I had a custody petition before the court which I dropped because I thought the foster mother and I were friends and she had promised me that I would always be a part of their lives. Soon after I noticed that my visits got less. She kept Elias’s brothers twice for me, the last time for a funeral which took place on August 31, 2019. That was the last time I saw Elias.

It is now November. As the days stretch into weeks and the weeks into months… the sadness lingers.

It wasn’t a death, but it feels like a death.

The child I who I Iove with all of my heart is out of my life and I will never be his grandmother again. I am bereaved, and grieving. According to (Lewis, 2017), “Grief is so much more than a response to just death. It is also a response to the severing of a relationship forever. It is, as they say, “love with nowhere to go.” And there are so many kinds of families loving with nowhere to expend that love.

The feeling is more like how a parent of a missing child feels. Whenever you go to a store you are alert to sounds wondering if you will see them… if they will see you and call your name. 

My grandchild lost his family. I not only mourned for me. I weep for his losses too. 

When his brother wanted to call him on his birthday and sing I had to tell him that we couldn’t. Telling him that I wonder how many times, if any, that Elias says that he wants to see them. I worry that he misses us and that it hurts him.

“The hardest thing I’ve ever had to do was grieve a child that wasn’t dead. Please don’t ever tell me to go home and love the children I do have. The two have nothing to do with each other. Say it’s ok to miss my child despite having 2 others” (Lewis, 2017).

This article touched me because I understand. I know what it is like to grieve for a child who isn’t dead. As for Elias, I will love him forever. Maybe one day he will come and find us… I hope so.

Lewis, R. (2017, November 7). Grieving the Child Who Did Not Die. Retrieved from Still Standing Magazine: https://stillstandingmag.com/2017/11/07/grieving-child-not-die/

A Hole in my Heart

Well, it finally happened and I suppose I knew that it would, but it took me completely by surprise. I was banned from my grandson's life over an argument. 

According to an article on Psychology Today grandparents “can derive tremendous pleasure from relationships with grandchildren and suffer terrible pain and loss when those relationships are disrupted or prevented. As with alienation between a parent and child, alienation between a grandparent and grandchild represents a form of ambiguous loss in which the child is physically absent but very much alive in the heart and mind of the grieving grandparent. There is no closure because the child is still alive. That is the blessing and curse of alienation (Baker, 2015)”.

I my situation may seem different because my daughter’s parental rights were terminated, but I dropped my custody petition because I was assured that I would always be part of my grandson’s life. "You will always be his Mimi.” 

Since I have no legal standing to visitation there is nothing I can do about my situation. I've had my phone number blocked, and been denied access to my grandson’s picture account. 

His third birthday was in October. I would have liked to see him blow out his candles. I would have liked to give him a hug and a kiss. My sweet grandson will forever be three years old to me since I will not be able to watch him grow, but I maybe one day he will find me.

I love you... all my heart.

When it’s Your Child

Graphic by sandyswenson.com

“I stand in honour of his life and the lives of the over 11, 577 who have died because of a poisoned drug supply.” – Kim Porter (9-9-19)

My daughter is an addict. How hard of that to say… very hard. There are people who will judge me for my daughter’s addiction. There are those will talk about me and tell others that I’m not a good mother. There are those who will recite the phrase “raise your children, spoil your grandchildren – spoil your children, raise your grandchildren” which, by the way, is a slap in the face to not only me, but to parents who have lost their children to disease, and accidental death. 

My daughter’s addiction has cost her everything… her children, her home, and lately all of her dogs and probably her possessions. 

As the mother of an addict I’ve researched things I never thought I would need to understand. I’ve researched the effects of methamphetamine, and heroine. I’ve looked up “speed balling” and how it affects the user’s brain. I’ve looked up how children are traumatized by their parent’s actions while under the influence. I’ve asked police officers how they contact next of kin when an adult dies. I’ve joined support groups on social media comprised of grandparents who are raising their grandchildren, and mothers of addicts. I’ve read stories that would absolutely break your heart. Someone posts almost daily that their child lost his or her battle with addiction which can mean that they overdosed or they committed suicide to end the pain. This is not a life that I would wish on my worst enemy, and yet I live it.

A few days ago my daughter was arrested. She wasn’t arrested for drugs, but she had been using just the same. Her mug shot is something I can’t get out of my mind… my beautiful daughter is now haggard and unrecognizable. She has been arrested many times, but this time she will detox in a jail cell because she is being held without bond.

I am raising two of her children and I don’t know what if anything I should tell them. I am broken. Something just has to be done to help our children as every addict is someone’s someone.

“We are all in this world together, and the only test of our character that matters is how we look after the least fortunate among us. How we look after each other, not how we look after ourselves. That’s all that really matters.” - Tommy Douglas, a pioneer and founder of Medicare