God Has a Plan

It’s been a hard week.

Last Wednesday I received a message from my ex-husband’s mother who I still communicate with regularly. She told me that she had gone into hospice on Tuesday night. She asked me to pass along the word and to pray for her. I asked her on Friday night if there was anything that I could do for her and she replied “Prayers.” The next morning I received word from her family that she had passed away. It hit me hard.

It may be hard to understand, but it is difficult to mourn for someone who was part of your family for over ten years when you can’t do so with the family. She was a wonderful mother-in-law and an awesome grandmother to my kids and grandkids. I will miss her.

I came to work on Monday so very tired and sad. I ended up going home, having a good cry, and a good afternoon nap. Sometimes you just have to let yourself take a break.

So I felt a bit better, then yesterday I found out that the people who adopted my youngest grandson are selling their home. I contacted the mom and asked if they were moving. She said yes, and seemed upset because I knew. She wanted to know how I "found out" because she didn't want me to know. I don’t understand why she would want to keep that from me, but then I don't understand why she has done a lot of the things she has done.

Then when I got home I received a letter from my daughter in the mail. The only thing in the envelope were the little valentines that I had sent her from her children, who wanted to send her something for Valentine's Day. I don't understand why she returned them, but then I don't understand why she has done a lot of the things she had done either. 

I guess there are many things that I'm not meant to understand. I don't know why I ever try. One thing I understand for sure is that God has a plan, and I’ll just have to trust that everything will work out for the best, and I do... but seriously, it’s just been a hard week.

Change Hurts

I react badly to change.

After my mother died I was not allowed to see my disabled daughter and I became desperate to see her. I tried everything. I found out where she lived. I called her caregiver. I hired a bad attorney and took my sister who is her guardian to court. I cried and I pleaded to no avail for months. Then I gave up. I know that her caregiver doesn’t want me to see her because she is afraid that I will somehow be able to take her. I know that she lied to my sister. I also know that there is nothing I can do about it… not now. I also know that God has a plan for me and my daughter.

After my husband left I was desperate for a relationship. I tried everything. flirted… a lot. I went out with men I wouldn’t normally date. I indulged in some night time wine driven texts. It was ridiculous. As time went on I got used to being alone. I started turning down dates and being really careful about who I spent my time with. I’ve now gone to the other end of the spectrum. I see red flags… they’re everywhere… men don't stand a chance… lol. Yeah, I’m good now. I know that God has a plan for me.

When my grandson’s foster mother stopped letting me see him I was desperate to do so. I tried everything. I begged. I pleaded. I was angry. I was sad. I said and posted things to try and get her attention… anything so that she would change her mind. I did this for months… to no avail. Then I gave up. I will always miss him, but I realized something. She was good with him before, so she will be good with him now, and she will be good with him in the future. She loves him. He’s loved. I know that God has a plan for my grandson.

I react badly to change. This I know. It takes a while for me to adapt to losing people and it can be difficult to watch. I’ve had a lot of loss in my life… a life filled with loss, and I know that as I get older there will be much more. I really need to find a way to let go when they’re gone.