My grandson, Elias, was born on
October 21, 2016. He had issues with his lungs, a pneumothorax. He spent his
first days in the NICU and then he was airlifted to a city nearby where they
were more prepared for his condition. At almost 10 pounds he was the largest
baby in the NICU which delighted the nurses. His treatment went well and within
a few days my daughter, who was staying in the Ronald McDonald house, was able
to hold him. Soon after I was able to hold him too.
For his
first year I visited him once or twice a week. My daughter was in recovery from
substance abuse and I was sure that she was doing well. Then in January 2018
the bottom fell out. She was using again and Social Services removed my
grandson from her home.
I was
still able to visit him at the agency and I was assured that my daughter was
getting the help that she needed, but then they moved my grandson to a
different foster home and I decided that I needed to get custody.
I
started and completed Kinship Care classes which lasted for six weeks. Then the
agency conducted a home study. Looking back I truly believe that they had
already made up their mind to fail me since the worker’s lies were overlooked
and my complaints about her report fell on deaf ears. The foster mother at one
point decided that she would no longer communicate with me or send me photos of
my grandson, and the agency supported her on that decision. So I missed his
birthday, Halloween, and Christmas.
Then on
Christmas 2018 she sent me a bunch of photos, and started talking to me again…
I’m not sure why but I was grateful. We began a tentative relationship which
grew into friendship (or so I thought). I was getting photos of Elias
regularly, and on four occasions she and I got together with all of the boys. I
was still visiting him at the agency as often as I was allowed, and we had
gotten to the point where we could take him off site.
In May
of 2019 my daughter’s parental rights were terminated. I had a custody petition
before the court which I dropped because I thought the foster mother and I were
friends and she had promised me that I would always be a part of their lives.
Soon after I noticed that my visits got less. She kept Elias’s brothers twice
for me, the last time for a funeral which took place on August 31, 2019. That
was the last time I saw Elias.
It is
now November. As the days stretch into weeks and the weeks into months… the
sadness lingers.
It wasn’t
a death, but it feels like a death.
The
child I who I Iove with all of my heart is out of my life and I will never be
his grandmother again. I am bereaved, and grieving. According
to (Lewis, 2017) , “Grief is so much
more than a response to just death. It is also a response to the severing of a
relationship forever. It is, as they say, “love with nowhere to go.” And there
are so many kinds of families loving with nowhere to expend that love.
The
feeling is more like how a parent of a missing child feels. Whenever you go to
a store you are alert to sounds wondering if you will see them… if they will
see you and call your name.
My grandchild lost his family. I
not only mourned for me. I weep for his losses too.
When his
brother wanted to call him on his birthday and sing I had to tell him that we
couldn’t. Telling him that I wonder how many times, if any, that Elias says
that he wants to see them. I worry that he misses us and that it hurts him.
“The
hardest thing I’ve ever had to do was grieve a child that wasn’t dead. Please
don’t ever tell me to go home and love the children I do have. The two have
nothing to do with each other. Say it’s ok to miss my child despite having 2
others” (Lewis, 2017) .
This
article touched me because I understand. I know what it is like to grieve for a
child who isn’t dead. As for Elias, I will love him forever. Maybe one day he
will come and find us… I hope so.
Lewis, R. (2017, November 7). Grieving the Child
Who Did Not Die. Retrieved from Still Standing Magazine:
https://stillstandingmag.com/2017/11/07/grieving-child-not-die/
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