Life After Death

Is there life after death of a marriage? Absolutely... but first one must rise from the ashes. It's the residue of memories that reeks havoc on the emotions of the one that was betrayed. And so it is.

When I decided my husband had to leave it was because he couldn't stay sober and I couldn't watch him die. Nor could I continue to contend with all of the responsibility surrounding having a spouse whose only motivation to get out of bed was the beer that he had hidden under our house. At that point in time all I had was what I was dealing with... the lies, the kids, the dinners, the messes, the loneliness... it filled my mind, my every thought. I was just so tired and spent.

After he left he stayed sober for a while... at least I believe that he did. He went through various relationships and after each one he would call me, and we would catch up on each other's lives. After the last one he promised me that he would never stop talking to me... that we would always be friends, and so on Thanksgiving I called him. We laughed and talked and each said "I love you" as we said goodbye.

Then he met someone new. I guess it's to be expected. I don't think she's very attractive and that bothers me. I mean if he finds her attractive, and he found me attractive... well, maybe I'm not attractive either... but I digress. So he met someone new and I found out that he was posting love songs to social media for her the same way that he did for me... which got me wondering. Was he also sending her love letters? Calling her his princess? Hiding post-it notes all over the house for her to find? Did he snuggle with her under the covers and tell her about plans for their future... places they'll go... things that he wanted her to see? Did he dance around the house acting silly? I wondered because those were the memories that made me miss him. That was the part of him that I loved... the part he wanted me to see, but that was not who he really was.

I recently found out that he married her. So now I wonder... is he hiding vodka all over their property (in the rafters, under pallets, in the shed)? Is he keeping a six pack of beer in the refrigerator claiming to have just one at night, and hiding an entire case under the house downing one each time he goes outside to smoke? Is he laying in bed for days at a time and telling her that he's sick or has a toothache? Is he driving to the store drunk to get more alcohol? Is he chewing gum to hide the smell of alcohol on his breath? Is he staying up until after she goes to sleep so he can drink more? Has he stopped eating dinner with her, or taking her places, or holding her hand? Has he shown her who he really is yet? This is the man he hid from me until after we got married.

These are the thoughts that haunt me... that broke me. These are the ashes that I must rise from... and I am.