Child Trauma and Grandkids

According to (Peterson, 2018)  “a traumatic event is a frightening, dangerous, or violent event that poses a threat to a child’s life or bodily integrity. Witnessing a traumatic event that threatens life or physical security of a loved one can also be traumatic.” It may be difficult for parents to understand what constitutes a traumatic event in a child, and it was for me also, until I took some classes and did some research. The experiences that produced trauma in my oldest grandson were witnessing violence in the home, parental substance abuse, sudden loss of his father, and finally being removed from his mother’s home. These experiences were persistent over the course of his life until he came to live with me at the age of 7.

His reaction to trauma manifested in emotional upset, anxiety, problems relating to others, and aches and pains. Here are some examples:

• During trips to the toy store where he was told that he could pick out a toy he would become very anxious. He had so much stress making that decision that many times he would choose to come home empty handed.
• He was afraid of being alone. In fact, he didn’t want to go anywhere without his younger brother who was 4 years old at the time. On trips to the store he would ask me if he could go in with me. When giving him a bath he would make me promise not to leave the house. If he didn’t know exactly where I was at any given time he would panic and cry.
• I had twin beds for the boys and would find him in bed with his younger brother every morning.
• He had to sleep with a light on.
• He would get stomach aches and migraines.
• At school events he would not participate. He would sit on the sidelines and watch the other children.

So what did we do? How did we address it?

• I took him to a counselor who gave him tools to help with his anxiety.
• We put in place a very strict routine. Lunch, dinner, and bedtime were the same each day. Our menu was pretty much the same each week. He took comfort in knowing exactly what to expect.
• We reassured him whenever he questioned anything, no matter how trivial it seemed to us. For example if he got a scratch he would worry, and we’d just have to tell him that it was okay… that he was fine.
• I told him where I was going whenever I left the room
• With approval from his counselor I took out the twin beds and replaced it with a double bed so the boys could sleep together. Eventually, I put in a set of bunk beds with a twin on the top and a double on the bottom.
• Socially we gave him space… just let him do what he wanted to do. We would encourage him, but not push him.

It took a lot of patience, but he has come a long way. He graduated from counseling if that is such a thing. He now engages other children at social events, and has friends. He no longer worries if he can’t locate me in the house right away.  He takes showers alone and will do things without his younger brother. The stomach aches have all but vanished, and as long as he stays hydrated he doesn’t have migraines. We’ve been able to vary our menu a little… not much, but a little. He no longer needs constant reassurance. The boys still choose to sleep together on the bottom bunk but in the last week I’ve noticed that they have chosen to sleep without the light on. He has no problem picking out a toy now (although he does have trouble sticking to the dollar limit, but what child doesn’t?). He seems mostly confident in his interactions with other children. He will tell me when there is conflict and want my opinion, but he doesn’t seem to be bothered by the experience.

He still acts out sometimes, but it is mostly picking on his younger brother, which happens I guess. Nothing major, just mild annoyances where we need to intervene. He is a good student and will be in advanced classes now that he is entering middle school. I’m told that he is polite and listens well in school, although he tends to talk too much (he gets that from me). I’m not sure what the teenage years will bring but we will tackle them as they come.

References

Peterson, S. (2018, November 5). About Child Trauma. Retrieved from The National Child Traumatic Stress Network: https://www.nctsn.org/what-is-child-trauma/about-child-trauma?fbclid=IwAR172CNP0ndg_qubq4YvSl4jdmGBiAtMZrYwQFpHBYtqUiG0L7mmOhD1oT0